lost souls

As i walk into the cemetery,the original garden of eden, where souls are all equal a peaceful state somes over me. a sensation not of grief as i would have expected but of inner peace. i look upon the gravestones, the people forgotten their names reused, or perhaps simply figures registered time ago. i stop at my destination and look at the poem engraved on the white marble gravestone in black ink. Recently i haven't been able to sleep. i didn't know him well but he haunts my insomniac nights. the picture of him walking into his room and gulping down greedily his last self prescribed medicine. him taking his last breath and letting the warm sensation that sleeping pills give you take over his body. him lying down and his final thoughts of knowing that his torture on earth will finish shortly. deep in his sleep oblivious to pain, selfish and lonely sleeping eternally. It's windy outside and rain patters on his grave stone. It is running through my hair, cold drops of water, its the right scene, the right situation for me to be by his grave. i don't feel grief i just feel happy that im alive and nature is still with me. i can feel the wind on my hair, the cold on my face and the fresh breaths of air. so many unaswerred questions, why? how? would anything have helped him? As time goes on the pain will fade, his name will be forgotten and one day this gravestone will no longer be visited. A lost soul forgotten, his life uncompleted.

pensive explanations

dear you,

you are never going to fully understand me, you never have and you never will. its a thought that creates a distance between us but we have to be aware of these things and i have to tell you now everything that i feel....

my understanding of love is not what yours is. i understand love to be that which i had with my mother, being a single mum it was stronger than most. i was attached to her, and to my family in general, i guess europeans often are. the first love i experienced was with my best friend, we slept together, i fell for him, i got hurt, it was painful to say the least. i think about him sometimes late at night. love for me is not only sexual, although there is nothing better than waking up in the morning next to the person you love and looking at them and knowing that they love you back. thats what love is for me, and i know that my experiences mounted together year by year have shaped my understanding of love....

yours however is totally different, your relationship with your parents would have played a big part, your childhood and the loves, the people who although have left your life have left their mark, either in their mind or on your body. So when you say 'i love you' i don't understand you, we might feel close together both mentally and corporaly but we are never going to understand each other. I'm color blind..did you know that? i don't see things the way you do, you are never going to see things without colour or colours the way i see them. Don't get me wrong, we can talk and words and expressions, tones and body language might tell us a lot about each other, but we are never going to understand each other. Its humanity you see, were all detahced and distant and although we pretend that were connected we dont really understand each other, my pain can never be the same pain you experience, my freedom is not yours and so forth.

Yet you are the closest thing to me and i feel as if we are one when we think alike and we talk and express each other. it is you who understands me and sometimes words are not even needed, we can feel that we aere in total harmony...

don't throw it around though..that one word holds so much behind it...we don't realize....but then again we are ignorant about a million things, not ignorant, misinformed or not informed at all..

comfort can be brought about with the hope of change but this my darling will never change, we might experience things together but there is so much that we have already lost and so much that we will experience appart. It's a happy thought don't get me wrong...a lovely thought to know that we are individuals in this world and no one is the same..although we have similarities.in beliefs and ideas, in features and in minds, we are never the same.

Anyhow....enough for now..x

merry january

the gray season when diets begin and we return to primate behavior and start harboring. only this time around were not harbouring food but instead money. Funny how the super consumerism that consumes this country is taken back a little after the christmass holiday spirit lifts from the air. I guess i have no explanation for the easter eggs that are out or the valentines' day chocolates. But thats an other matter entirely!